I wasn't able to realize how I would feel about my daughter before I gave birth to her. I had the dreams of a perfect labor and birth, immediate bonding afterwards, and a rewarding first few weeks. As I left the hospital with my daughter, five weeks before she was even due, I felt unfamilar with my role as a mother. I had already had a child, my son, so I didn;t think that I would be this scared.

     I did not want to let my new daughter out of my sight. At the same time, I did not know how I would possibly take care of her, someone so small and so tiny. How was I to take care of a premature baby? The first few weeks tested my love and devotion for her. As she slowly dropped weight from being a small 5 pound ten ounce baby to a fearsome four pound two ounce baby, I questioned everything about myself as a mother. I didn't think that I could do it. Having a premie baby is nothing like having a full term baby. The fear of the unknown, the stick legs and arms, the sleepiness that they have, all combine to make a mother anxious and scared.

     My daughter taught me so much since she has been here for the last four months. I know now how much determination and strenght I have in myself, especially when it comes to someone that I love. There were times that I wanted to give up nursing her, with the fear that my milk wasnt enough. Especially as she kept losing weight, I was so tempted to give up and give her a bottle. But deep in my heart, I knew that what she needed most was my milk. Even though my fear was there, my subcouncious knew what was best for her. When we reached the mark of her going back up to her birth weight, I felt so relived. I felt like we could do anything together, as long as we tried.

     Then came the colic. Hours upon hours of screaming, and no way to help her. I have never known such helplessness in my life. EVerything that I had been taught to do to help a baby that was crying did not work for her. I never realized how helpless someone could feel in one moment of time.

     And patience. I never knew how much patience a person could have. I can sit there and walk the room, sing and rock to her, even though it wasnt helping, and still listen to her scream. Sometimes I would even cry with her.

     My daughter may only be four months old, but she has taught me a lifetime worth of lessons. She has made me realize how much strength and determantion that I have,how patient I can be, how much love I have in myself, how to stand up to people that I don't know in order to get her the best care possible, and how to go days without a break. The most important thing that she has ever taught me was how to give her 110% percent of myself...and then to give her even more.